Medicinalmeadows

the internal gardener….place within…..


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Burning Times

When you burned, I burned with you

When you buried, I burned for you

In passion in flame in Holy name

I am Forest Father

The nature’s Pater

I burned for you

From ground to up above

Our essence of vapour and resin through the sky

To all sea, bird, creature and pebble nearby

As you changed to spirit on air

With wind and rain

I held our our branches to hold you again

On the arm of Grandfather Oak

Passed down to Mother Doe

To pine to ground

Gathered your spirit around

By branch and heather

In ash and soil in Gods own power to mycelium medicine

Within those resting hours

We hold you in woodland, nature’s roots

We carried you there to earth’s repair

We carried you over through the mighty air

Now sheltered with a canopy

Embedded to sacred ground

To oak, ash, yew and birch

Of Kin and Kith

Dwelling in arms of bark, heart of trunk

Of deer foot and bird above

Held by ivy

Entwined

With earth beneath you

Water to greet you

Wind to change you

Light to recreate you

Ancestors of root of seed and bud

Growing earthly

Living on

Forest of my blood, evergreen

Forest of Fatherhood


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The Sensitive Gardeners

To walk in a room, even a familiar space is difficult sometimes with illness, emotional pain and anxieties looming in the ether. Walking into a new place a new space is challenging. There are unpredictable energies spilling into the space, free floating unregulated matters of people we may not even know.

The issue for Sensitives is that they walk into a space and identify with the energies. A new environment has a collection of thoughts, feelings and needs of others. To the Sensitive this is like a room full of passive energy emitters. The Sensitive sits within this uncomfortable space, muted and bearing up, it is a necessary part of living. You may think why do they go there? Well they have to. Whether it be a training course or a waiting area, they work hard, they need to maintain their own energy but still appear sociable. They have arrived are constantly regulating their own energy systems, including the nervous system and so many other levels in between. To them this world can be exhausting!

The Energy Changes

These days I am calling the energetic personal field the energy garden, this is the internal landscape, because Sensitives are good cultivators of their gardens too. They do the weeding and tend to their spaces daily. The energy garden was once an unseen field, but now, in the current climate it is a well known plot. The change has arrived. Gone are the days of a mysterious energy as a collection of past experience, past lives and traumas. The Sensitives right now are aware of what is in their garden. They tend to it. The old ways of trying to connect to the akashic records, the auric debris or find blocks in the energy bodies is over. This is new upgraded, intelligent design. And the ones who arrive in our future generations are more advanced that this. Maybe they arrive with a greater capacity for their gardens and wouldn’t that be just the treasure humanity needs on this planet?!

For now, my statement here is this, care and support the Sensitives around you. I invite you to consciously be aware of thoughts, feelings and emotions of the Sensitives around you. They are adjusting to a new wave of consciousness that is asking them to step up to a new challenge, to new practices, to work collectively in some way in the future. 

If you could be a good neighbour and help those Gardeners a little more. And if you need some assistance with your garden, please ask for some help from a Sensitive Gardener who as willing to cultivate with you.

You won’t be sorry, your garden will blossom.


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Mature 49

49 is not what I expected. I started my working life as a medical professional then turned holistic and spiritual practitioner and so far this week my practice has been my saving grace.  I have navigated my own selfcare treatments from Reiki to calm my nervous system to Reflexology to regulate the endocrine. It is a rollercoaster of a role to witness our elder’s needs from lightbulb changes, medication dosette boxes, emergency calls and missing wheelchairs.

I have called upon my spiritual allies to help in many varying degrees from negotiating contracts and holding space for my Mother as she feels she is losing her friends to dementia. Then there’s my Fathers loss of mobility and fragility. My faith in the wise and well ancestors have been my allies in the subtle realms only too willing to be called upon.

I lean to the ancestors, after all I am them, my bones and facial features are theirs, from them I am born. The role of the carer is a difficult one to navigate. It arrives at a time when I myself am changing. I go through a multitude of transitions being a 49 year old woman, self employed spiritual business practitioner, a wife, a friend, a listener and a menopausal shifter.

Whilst navigating the elder’s care needs in an ever-shifting NHS and social care system I am trying to figure out the menopausal fatigue and wonder if my symptoms are from too much or too little evening primrose right now. I am pulled to “clean house” of the unfinished business I have stacked up. The courses, submissions, assessments and the continuing professional development that is a feature of all our professional pursuits these days. I am always reading 4 books and far too tired to complete any. Then there is the cleaning out of the emotional and energetic baggage of old worn out perspective and my inner archetypes all shouting for some deep witnessing.

This thing they call menopause is a maturing of the old ways, the inner pathways, a realisation of what has worked well and what has not. Call it menopause, call it a life review if you dare! It is the wise one willing me to tune inwards and not be so outwards when the world is wanting me to be all things. This crone inside is trying to be birthed into a new way of navigating the here and now. So while we nurture those around us, the message deep within is “Who is nurturing you?” Birthing is painful and changeful. It can’t be pushed down or ignored. So no wonder I am feeling the fatigue of this gestation from menstruation.

It is the big gardening of mature life. Call it weeding for now, it is asking what am I keeping up and what do I need to let go? What is right for me and what is right now for me? 49 is full of loose ends, never-ends and the inevitable end. Right now the weeding is all important as I take this time to nurture the garden within.  As the elders take an afternoon nap, the cat does too and the 49 year olds are discerning, weeding and regulating their nervous system with left-right eye movements in the mid-day sun. One day I will be through the change, transformed and the ancestor of my family tree.

The red tent to women like me in the middle of life, becomes a life tent. It is the anchor that sits you down and holds you in.  It is a place remembered for birth and death, but it is also for the mid shifters,  for transformation. It is the place to go to in pain, in need, knee deep with the earth and discerning cries, “help me transform, shift through it all”. If you have never been inside a red tent, create one, create if just for yourself! It is the resting place and the place to let it all flow.

Here in the middle we are asked to change, do work differently,  parenting and elder care differently. Our loved ones change, societies views and expectations change, my hair colour has changed….and everyday the needs of those and ourselves change.  My own requirements move and new boundaries need to be created, what once was ok is now far from acceptable. They call this growth in the spiritual community, with grow there can also be pain. So the message for now is take it slowly, even when there are urgent moments, walk the earth with every step at a slower pace because everything is changing.


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The Menopause, the Matrix and the Moon

For Christmas I gave myself adrenal fatigue. This feeling of minimal activity and maximum fatigue is not a new thing for me. I am well versed in how this goes. I am also well attuned to deep rest, hydration and good food to begin with, from a well oiled radar to the early signs. The “Holiday” in deep winter has me thinking that I am not as attuned to the seasons as I thought. My preparation for Christmas was not at all prepped appropriately. My inner vision was covered. I did not see the wood, literally, for the trees and here is why.

I got swept into the tangibility of it all. The Matrix was there with its all seeing eyes and I was lost to it. I got moved along with the to-do-lists, helped my elders with their food preparation, the lights and the tinsel. I colluded to buy and messy wrap the presents and all the time my energy levels waned and I knew it. I felt it, I recognised my bodily signs saying, slow down. I went out again and again when the fire side was calling with its soft golden glow and its warming invites. I left for one last trip with the Christmas cards.

All this was done out of love, but was it love for myself! And where do you draw the line with your loved ones at Christmas to say, I am done! I am menopausal, my instincts are saying I need to go inside and withdraw not do more. I am listening to my body and my answer is just one more thing! But the body knows the limits and has no cajoling from the mind, the body doesn’t say ok, let’s finish all this and high five. No, the body has a limit and when the limit is overstepped it shouts now, now is the time for rest and no more.

All this came home to me yesterday as we sorted, cut and piled the wood from the pruned trees in our garden. Here I was again, but this time the realisation was of my sacred rhythms with the trees and the land. As I over stretched once again I had this vision that my ancestors worked with the rhythms of the seasons. I thought I was doing so well with my menstrual practice cycling like the earth with my inner landscape then it occurred to me, what do we do when the cyclicity is gone.

Here I was without the clock, without the dial, the rhythms all gone. I was chopping wood in winter when this could have been done in preparation. My ancestors would have prepared for winter, just as I had prepared in the autumn of my cycle, my premenstrual phases, listing and smoothing things over so I rested in winter. My inner cyclicity had been musical even, never mind rhythmical…..and now as I arrive in this space of no cyclicity it began to look more like no-womans-land.

My world was not prepared for the winter. If I had looked, really looked at myself and my nature this would have been all in good timing. The cutting, pruning and gardening would have been put to bed weeks ago. If my body had been in a menstrual cycle I would have been prepared for this! But is it just me, or is the outer world out of sync? As I sit here typing, the window is open the hedges are green and it seems the earth herself is in a great flux of menopausal seasonal crisis of no-womans-land too!

When I close my eyes and think of my ancestry I see the high stocked wood stores, the jars of pickled fruits and veg, the importance of the harvest festival and the fire flickering and tended to day and night. Frosty mornings and sleet showers with streets of leaves piling up the brick walls. Houses with the lights on early and no more to do about the gardens but witness and welcome the returning of the light in weeks to come. Nothing kept for keeping sake and nothing needed but stillness and the flame.

My awareness is bringing up that familiar nervousness that all is not right with the world. I am aware of what has occurred on the inner landscape and I can accept that and find my path again. But what can be done about the outer landscapes, how do we assist the cycles of the season of this planet? Is this a greater task that we have as a collective? Is this a task for all women at menopause, as we sit in nature to nurture ourselves can we be in reciprocity at this time? Is it time to nourish both? If the earth is also out of cyclicity do we now look to the moon for our rhythms and reflect deep into our old ways, the wise and the well, the ancient and ancestral knowing once more?


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Centred and Balanced

I love that the word Centred, in the dictionary it means to be “well balanced”, for me these words have very different connotations. The word “Well” refers to an old and ancient belief that women where Well keepers. not just attending to the water springs from within the Earth or distributing healing waters, but they were keeping us well. The midwives, the nurses, the “Goodwives” are all titles that have been used to describe women that looked after our well being. Women of today are still all these things. They are the Well Keepers of the families, the community and they are holding full time employment, caring for their elders and walking the dog late at night. I am not detracting here the contributions of Men. I am recognising the terminology referring to Women throughout the ages.

So are the Women Well? I have been a keen follower of the Red Tent communities for some years and the conversations are still leading to how the world views are continuing to show us the same news headlines. They still report on salaries to the largest workforce of women is underpaid, over worked and struggling. We forget that women in nursing makes up 88% of the overall staffing, that nurses are frontline staff in a Pandemic. Then there is women’s pensions, still up for debate as many have been short changed into 2021. The Well Women of years gone by are still the Keepers of Today, but there are age old controversies that continue.

To Balance means “evenly distribute”, in terms of health, wealth, and responsibility and so on. When things are in balance in alignment that is when flow of all these elements are equal. If distribution is equal then the load is weighed out, everything is just, right and stable. For Women to be Well Balanced, there is still thedistribution of All things to be considered.

How do you feel today? Are you “well balanced” and in your flow?

There are many weights we carry and many emotions around the family, community and our own self care that need up holding in the day to day. To be Centred is to be in alignment to yourself first and then into the world feeling energetically, stable at least. Sometimes the feeling if not the weight can be address. So where do women go to gather themselves, talk, be heard and be witnessed. We don’t gather at the well-springs anymore, so where is the modern day well keepers place?


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Red Tent Quest

The last twelve months I have been travelling with the Red Tent Collective into Birth Doula Training. I have sat in circle with the most amazing women, reading a stack of books, walking on and off the path to weave amongst the mystical ways of birth and cyclicity of menstruation and menopause. I am on a mission, the way of being woman, with all of this heightened awareness. I am seeing what is missing in society for women, health and equilibrium.

Some blog posts ago I was writing about Belonging to land space and place and this year I have come full circle to the place within. What a synchronicity….the place within. To me this equilibrium is the sense of calmness, where ever I Am, the Belonging is within. It is a deep rooted sense of assurity that no matter what I am rooted in the moment. It is the heart beat and the alignment to a feeling, not a place.

How did I get to Here? I got to this place of assurity from sitting in Circle with others, from a community of people who can sit and listen with total acceptance. By that I mean a listening circle, a circle gathering of others who have capacity of Heart to Hear. When we Hear and do not fixed, when we can Speak and are not held back, when we are Witnessed and not judged, we are Accepted. Total acceptance creates a feeling of Belonging to Self.

I will continue to blog more about my journey of Womenhood as my Path unfolds. For now, I leave you with a Womb Blessing, naturally spontaneous and unedited.


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Sounds of the Sea

A moment spent by the sea can calm all the cells, water by water. We develop within the rhythm of water. No wonder the sound of water resonates deep within every part of me, even those places that are tucked away, hidden and protected.
“Deep peace of the running wave to You” (Celtic prayer).


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Self Love

Self-care is not a luxury, it is a necessity. It needs carving into the everyday. As ritual becomes daily practice we see that we are worthy, and we have needs to be met within the day as much as any other person around us. One question I ask is, what have I done of service today? And what have I done for myself? If the scales here are not so balanced then it is time for some self-care. I love to go for a walk by myself in nature. I notice that I walk mindfully when I walk alone. I walk slower and take in my environment. I hear, I see and I witness far more when I walk on my own. But are we ever alone? By that I mean to walking and witnessing animism in the everyday. This is to be in reverence that “Animism (from Latin: anima, ‘breath, spirit, life‘)[1][2] is the belief that objects, places, and creatures all possess a distinct spiritual essence.[3][4][5][6] Potentially, animism perceives all things—animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems, human handiwork, and perhaps even words—as animated and alive” (Wikipedia). Taking this view into account the things we self create, the small craft projects crystal bead bracelets that make me go into that no-mind space, are those distinctly spiritual act of communion with the self and the world round us. From the herbal teas we make, ceremonially, to a ritual of washing my feet, a daily cleansing ritual, aromatherapy oils and the best homemade foot cream.

So what are your self care rituals? What makes you feel cared for? What small acts of love do you gift to yourself?

When we talk about self-care and conception this is where a full spectrum of physical health, as well as emotion, environmental and intentional routines are put into the daily care.

For the full article on health and conception, self care rituals and full moon releasing take a look at the Red Tent Patreon Page, for this month only the newsletter is FREE. This is a GIFT from me to YOU. It is Published on the 7th June 4pm

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The Pain of Anxiety

Anxiety has lived with me for many years. I have read a mountain of books on the subject from psychology, self help to spirituality and akashic records. As well as a Master’s degree in CBT I started but didn’t finish.

The emotions of anxiety include emotional pain. The pain of being stuck in a holding of “I can’t”. ” I can’t tell them how I feel, I can’t express myself enough, I can’t put myself up for that speech and so I can’t do that job”. These were not feelings brought about by others they were limitations of myself. I felt held and stuck and in pain. The moment I felt a change was when I took a small step. “I can’t  do the speech in front of so many people, but what if I took one small step towards speaking up. I can’t be heard in the team but what can I do to establish my boundaries”. Small steps to the land of becoming created a small success in belonging. In my own way I  experimented with challenge (with some anxiety) and saw success of achieving movement out from within the pain.

The phrase you can’t eat an elephant in one go was my mantra. What smaller steps can I make? In the words of Sandra Ingerman, “taking small steps to climb a mountain will get you there just as surely as taking giant leaps. And the steps will also allow you to climb the mountain consciously as well as in your comfort range, keeping you in a state of balance and harmony” (Soul Retrieval 2011).

For me, the smaller steps were still challenging but manageable, they also required  marking, like a reward to celebrate a new threshold reached. Celebrating myself for making the steps, however small where all part of the bigger journey. Marking these achievements was key as well as repetition. The advantage I see is that repeating the small steps creates a new perspective, a new development, a new wider comfort zone. And so the repetition becomes a habit and a routine from a new challenging moment some time ago. It gives me time to focus, refocus and repeat and do-over and so the competency develops into a competent confident skill. Small steps can be seen as wise steps where a repeating pattern creates comfort as well as individuality in the endeavour just like water wearing its way over rock to carve isn’t own way forwards. It may be a slow process but it becomes a less messy one. Nature shows us over and over that repetition creates growth. Think of that old oak tree every year discarding its leaves and reaching higher with new branches.

Rushing towards goals still has me sliding into the pain of anxiety. Knowing myself, within a relationship to myself, is also about knowing how I relate to my natural way of being in this life. It has also cultivated a compassionate approach to others and how anxiety feels when it is outside in the cold causing stagnancy and misunderstandings in all areas of life and relationships. Bringing anxiety into the inner circle of a compassionate relationship has become a way of reconnecting and understanding pain. Pain is not just a physical symptom, it is also emotional.


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Dirt, Decay and the Dream

When dirt and decay become a master piece of my hands

when the ending of a cycle is just a resting into the not yet started

like the night is not yet a dawn

and the dream has finished and the waking state is not begun

the in between, the vision and the arising……

when dirt is just dirt and the seeds are not yet sprung

when dirt is the life within my hands

and the dream in one