Medicinalmeadows

the place within…..


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The Pain of Anxiety

Anxiety has lived with me for many years. I have read a mountain of books on the subject from psychology, self help to spirituality and akashic records. As well as a Master’s degree in CBT I started but didn’t finish.

The emotions of anxiety include emotional pain. The pain of being stuck in a holding of “I can’t”. ” I can’t tell them how I feel, I can’t express myself enough, I can’t put myself up for that speech and so I can’t do that job”. These were not feelings brought about by others they were limitations of myself. I felt held and stuck and in pain. The moment I felt a change was when I took a small step. “I can’t  do the speech in front of so many people, but what if I took one small step towards speaking up. I can’t be heard in the team but what can I do to establish my boundaries”. Small steps to the land of becoming created a small success in belonging. In my own way I  experimented with challenge (with some anxiety) and saw success of achieving movement out from within the pain.

The phrase you can’t eat an elephant in one go was my mantra. What smaller steps can I make? In the words of Sandra Ingerman, “taking small steps to climb a mountain will get you there just as surely as taking giant leaps. And the steps will also allow you to climb the mountain consciously as well as in your comfort range, keeping you in a state of balance and harmony” (Soul Retrieval 2011).

For me, the smaller steps were still challenging but manageable, they also required  marking, like a reward to celebrate a new threshold reached. Celebrating myself for making the steps, however small where all part of the bigger journey. Marking these achievements was key as well as repetition. The advantage I see is that repeating the small steps creates a new perspective, a new development, a new wider comfort zone. And so the repetition becomes a habit and a routine from a new challenging moment some time ago. It gives me time to focus, refocus and repeat and do-over and so the competency develops into a competent confident skill. Small steps can be seen as wise steps where a repeating pattern creates comfort as well as individuality in the endeavour just like water wearing its way over rock to carve isn’t own way forwards. It may be a slow process but it becomes a less messy one. Nature shows us over and over that repetition creates growth. Think of that old oak tree every year discarding its leaves and reaching higher with new branches.

Rushing towards goals still has me sliding into the pain of anxiety. Knowing myself, within a relationship to myself, is also about knowing how I relate to my natural way of being in this life. It has also cultivated a compassionate approach to others and how anxiety feels when it is outside in the cold causing stagnancy and misunderstandings in all areas of life and relationships. Bringing anxiety into the inner circle of a compassionate relationship has become a way of reconnecting and understanding pain. Pain is not just a physical symptom, it is also emotional.


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The Forest ……chapter 6… Storytelling for anxiety and all those feelings…..

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This morning I heard voices. I clung to the table in front of the window and eyed out into the daylight as I saw two people walking briskly by, I remember that, they walked side by side. I froze, they laughed, as they snaked the path into the greenness and were gone. It seems so long since I fixed my sights on other people. They were dressed for hiking with sturdy foot wear, like mine, I remember them stuck in the mud.

You know I wasn’t even sure at this moment that my voice actually still worked, I hadn’t spoke for so long. I hadn’t even talked out loud to myself, not a word, not a hum, a song, a phrase, nothing. I’m now aware that I need to be ready, I need to rehearse my vocal cords.

I have been following a set routine to last the day, finding comfort in the conformity. The cabin now seems familiar and I feel I have come to know every floor board, the ones that creak, where the drafts come in, where the sun rises, the sound of the birds, the stream running at the back of the cabin and the wind and the sound it makes brushing the leaves.

Something is not right within me. I see the world outside, people walking, talking and laughing, I stay quiet within, I hold my breath within, I keep myself within. There is fear within these walls and fear outside of these walls. I no longer have the presence of comfort. I feel I can not rest. So why do I stay hidden when I want so much to be found, to be rescued?

So what is it that I fear the most?


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Spring Equinox


To bird song
up in the tree
laughter sort
and gaiety

For dawn to break
with warming rays
comfort found
from cloudy days

To sounds so sweet
warmth entwine
embrace complete
To love divine

WPC: I’d Rather Be

 


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Butterfly Friends

At Holehird Gardens, Windermere the fragrant blooms
of the wisteria attract the butterflies in large numbers.
There must have been at least ten of the darlings on the
flowers at one time.

It has been a dream of mine to have a butterfly land
on my hand so I stood patiently with my palms flat
and open to the sky hoping one of them would land
for just a short while.

I didn’t manage to entice one to my hand
but two of them did approach,
one on my scarf and one on my shoulder.
Pure delight.

butterfly3

butterfly4


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Frame

image

This week WordPress weekly photo challenge asked for us to look at things a bit differently. Whether it’s through an actual picture frame, a few stalks of grass, or even the spokes of a bicycle tire, find an alternative frame to the world around you and share what you see!

We frame what we see through our lens. And it tends to be a process, whether you use the golden ratio, the rule of thirds, or just aim for the right balance (WPC: Frame).

 


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It’s Still Early….

stillearly

It’s still early and the light
from the dimming sun
is fading out of sight.

Clouds cast their net but
a stream of yellow beams
seeps to illuminate time.

A whisp of cold with a
crisp caress chills as the
sun sinks behind the hills.

Darkness will pull up
the moon and born is a
velvet sky adorning the stars.

For the WPC: Time