Medicinalmeadows

the place within…..


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The Pain of Anxiety

Anxiety has lived with me for many years. I have read a mountain of books on the subject from psychology, self help to spirituality and akashic records. As well as a Master’s degree in CBT I started but didn’t finish.

The emotions of anxiety include emotional pain. The pain of being stuck in a holding of “I can’t”. ” I can’t tell them how I feel, I can’t express myself enough, I can’t put myself up for that speech and so I can’t do that job”. These were not feelings brought about by others they were limitations of myself. I felt held and stuck and in pain. The moment I felt a change was when I took a small step. “I can’t  do the speech in front of so many people, but what if I took one small step towards speaking up. I can’t be heard in the team but what can I do to establish my boundaries”. Small steps to the land of becoming created a small success in belonging. In my own way I  experimented with challenge (with some anxiety) and saw success of achieving movement out from within the pain.

The phrase you can’t eat an elephant in one go was my mantra. What smaller steps can I make? In the words of Sandra Ingerman, “taking small steps to climb a mountain will get you there just as surely as taking giant leaps. And the steps will also allow you to climb the mountain consciously as well as in your comfort range, keeping you in a state of balance and harmony” (Soul Retrieval 2011).

For me, the smaller steps were still challenging but manageable, they also required  marking, like a reward to celebrate a new threshold reached. Celebrating myself for making the steps, however small where all part of the bigger journey. Marking these achievements was key as well as repetition. The advantage I see is that repeating the small steps creates a new perspective, a new development, a new wider comfort zone. And so the repetition becomes a habit and a routine from a new challenging moment some time ago. It gives me time to focus, refocus and repeat and do-over and so the competency develops into a competent confident skill. Small steps can be seen as wise steps where a repeating pattern creates comfort as well as individuality in the endeavour just like water wearing its way over rock to carve isn’t own way forwards. It may be a slow process but it becomes a less messy one. Nature shows us over and over that repetition creates growth. Think of that old oak tree every year discarding its leaves and reaching higher with new branches.

Rushing towards goals still has me sliding into the pain of anxiety. Knowing myself, within a relationship to myself, is also about knowing how I relate to my natural way of being in this life. It has also cultivated a compassionate approach to others and how anxiety feels when it is outside in the cold causing stagnancy and misunderstandings in all areas of life and relationships. Bringing anxiety into the inner circle of a compassionate relationship has become a way of reconnecting and understanding pain. Pain is not just a physical symptom, it is also emotional.


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Retrieval

I forgot how satisfying it is to create, to get messy, paint, chop and squeeze.

To make in the moment, forget the chaos and remember me.

I lost time, and place and to silence the world around and be inside of me.

This took me back to rose petals in jars, to a pebble in my pocket weeks after being on the beach.

This reminded me of me…


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Memory

Summerlovin

They live in the wind

On the spray of the sea

They live with the heat

From the sun

Over me

 This stretch of beach holds many memories for me. I have been visiting this place all my life. My parents and an Aunt and Uncle brought me here as a child to run on the sands, collect shells and paddle in the sea. I have been coming here from childhood to adulthood and as they say, a sunset is never the same, reminding me that memories remain and tomorrow will bring more to remember.

WordPress Challenge: Memory


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WordPress Weekly Discover Challenge: Snapshots – Nightmare Nightclub

Nightmare….stranded. This is just great. The surge of anger at herself fuzzed the situation and the previous few hour’s alcohol wasn’t helping. She still had her house key so the only thing bothering her now was getting from A to B. There was only one thing for it just start walking. It was 1am. The nightclub had started emptying and she couldn’t see any of her friends even now as the lights started to flicker on for chucking out.

Outside was a chaotic gathering of party goers and taxis, she had to leave. She walked in the direction of her clumsy compass. She got to the end of the road and recognised some buildings, great right turn. She was consoled by the well-lit direct route ahead. She looked up for a moment, this is familiar, then fear hit her feet. This was the area of the city where she had worked in a medical centre as a student, the red light district with all the stories she had been told during her placement. Including this renowned location as one of the most dangerous streets in the country. Over the road out of the corner of her eye were a huddle of figures, she dared not turn her head, she walk faster. She now hoped to God she was invisible. She saw the medical centre in the distance that meant the end of the road. Now just a short walk up hill through the well-known street gang area. Great. She hadn’t thought this through, but what other choice did she have.

Footsteps now pattered behind her, louder, thundering. She turned sharply, stumbling due to the pace her feet had been panicking. Approaching was the man she had spoken to for part of the night at the bar. Nice bloke, no cheesy wanker but a boy from the same small town background, finding himself in an edgy club that seemed too much like a movie set and borderline illegal.

“I shouted you, but hell you can walk. I saw you leave and thought what is she doing? Mad cow.”

“I lost my purse in there” she explained.

“Pocketed I bet. I was gonna offer you a lift in our taxi then you strutted off.”

“Can we walk?”

As they walked, they talked and realised they were both talking ten to the dozen. Adrenaline no doubt. They seemed to have reached to her front door without realising how far they had come.

“I’m here”

They stopped. Silent for a time, just breathing. The alcohol fueled confidence had dispersed and they hesitated as to what to do next.

“That must have been one of the craziest things I’ve ever done” he said.

“What you? You’re in the Army! In the Gulf! Walking home is crazy?”

“We’re well kitted out”

They laughed.

Hell he wasn’t wrong. That must have been one of the most dangerous,  idiotic things, to risk your life getting home from a nightclub. Another awkward moment, then they were distracted by a bus passing at the top of the street. Night buses that stopped round the corner at the hospital gates, he pointed and ran in that direction waving as he went. No number, no call me, nothing exchanged. She half expected a knock at the door some weeks later and they would have laughed at the crazy girl that walks so fast her feet don’t touch the floor!

Years later she tells this story to a friend. The friend asks,”was he in white, no name given, and vanished faster than you blink?” She looks puzzled. The friend explains that she believes we are sent earth angels in dangerous times to keep us safe. You know, the guy was dressed completely in white.

(For the WP Weekly Discover Challenge: Snapshots)


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A Longing View

Dreamyview
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 I feel you so near
But we’re miles apart
All would become clear
To confide and impart
 
Consuming intensity
Of wishing you here
Back then perplexity
Was pasted with fear
 
Thinking you are close
That you are at my side
A constant repose
Possibilities reside
 
(A view, a daydream for the Weekly Photo Challenge: Dreamy)
 

 

 

 

 

 


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The Love Project

 YOUR MEMORIES NEEDED

There is something sacred about telling our own stories. Our adventures, love stories and history. By capturing and share meaningful moments in our lives psychologist such as Pennebaker and Evans recognise that writing about ourselves is a source of healing as well as focusing on events unique to us that have shaped our lives. This legacy writing is also a way to pass on history, values and treasures that if not told and documented will most certainly be lost forever.

Projects in towns and cities are also being provided to utilise multi-media resources to capture stories. My local project is on the theme of Love. Women are being asked to share their stories of love through the decades. They will be interviewing female volunteers on what Love has meant to them, in relationships, at a personal level and growing up in their home town. The project unfolds as women in groups or as individuals start storytelling their moments and sharing their experiences.

These interviews will be captured on video, transcripts and as written accounts. The project with put these records of everlasting memories on display to the public for future generations to see values, beliefs and emotions of women throughout the decades.

lovehearts

The Barrow Love Project ” The Red Tent” is holding a series of sessions for women to discuss their experiences of teenage and early adult years growing up in Barrow in the 1940’s through to the 1990’s.

For more information go to: www.barrowloveproject.org.uk or to book a place contact Amanda Mortlock project coordinator on 01229 833228 or mail to:amanda@barrowloveproject.org.uk

Links to other Red Tent Projects;

Women’s Stories from the Red Tent – find a tent near you

Red Tent Bristol Women’s Group

Red Tent Directory


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Coloured Memories

coloured hills

I am more than
Just skin and bones
I am sense, feeling
No pile of stones

I see colour
Not black and white
I look skywards
To see the light

I can feel warmth
Of touch, connect
I remember
I recollect

My memory
Holds pictures too
Of scenes, of plays
A field of view