It has been a long time since I wrote about my 50 something life. This last year I have been navigating the loss of a parent and the grief that arrives and stays as the other parent tries to pick up pieces of the day to day after 60 years in a partnership. Their companion has departed and the one left behind is struggling with night time anxiety.  As well as days to fill in a quiet house once filled with noise in abundance.

The year has passed me by with scheduling and rescheduling of appointments and it feels like there has been no space between the loss of a loved one, no silent  breath, no pause to reflect.

Today I am sitting waiting for the instalation of an emergency call device while I am greatly aware of the first year anniversary of the death of my Father. All this feels like pivotal moment but it is more like watching leaves fall to the ground. I have sense of time passing and grief that does not change but everything has change from last years fall.

I wonder moment by moment as I try to remain unnerved but my body remembers my state of anxiousness. I wonder if a tree remembers the leaves from last year or if the release is complete each year?

Will I be able to release my grief entirely to the ground this fall. Maybe winter is teaching me to go bare into the darkness and let it all go….