Medicinalmeadows

the place within…..


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The Pain of Anxiety

Anxiety has lived with me for many years. I have read a mountain of books on the subject from psychology, self help to spirituality and akashic records. As well as a Master’s degree in CBT I started but didn’t finish.

The emotions of anxiety include emotional pain. The pain of being stuck in a holding of “I can’t”. ” I can’t tell them how I feel, I can’t express myself enough, I can’t put myself up for that speech and so I can’t do that job”. These were not feelings brought about by others they were limitations of myself. I felt held and stuck and in pain. The moment I felt a change was when I took a small step. “I can’t  do the speech in front of so many people, but what if I took one small step towards speaking up. I can’t be heard in the team but what can I do to establish my boundaries”. Small steps to the land of becoming created a small success in belonging. In my own way I  experimented with challenge (with some anxiety) and saw success of achieving movement out from within the pain.

The phrase you can’t eat an elephant in one go was my mantra. What smaller steps can I make? In the words of Sandra Ingerman, “taking small steps to climb a mountain will get you there just as surely as taking giant leaps. And the steps will also allow you to climb the mountain consciously as well as in your comfort range, keeping you in a state of balance and harmony” (Soul Retrieval 2011).

For me, the smaller steps were still challenging but manageable, they also required  marking, like a reward to celebrate a new threshold reached. Celebrating myself for making the steps, however small where all part of the bigger journey. Marking these achievements was key as well as repetition. The advantage I see is that repeating the small steps creates a new perspective, a new development, a new wider comfort zone. And so the repetition becomes a habit and a routine from a new challenging moment some time ago. It gives me time to focus, refocus and repeat and do-over and so the competency develops into a competent confident skill. Small steps can be seen as wise steps where a repeating pattern creates comfort as well as individuality in the endeavour just like water wearing its way over rock to carve isn’t own way forwards. It may be a slow process but it becomes a less messy one. Nature shows us over and over that repetition creates growth. Think of that old oak tree every year discarding its leaves and reaching higher with new branches.

Rushing towards goals still has me sliding into the pain of anxiety. Knowing myself, within a relationship to myself, is also about knowing how I relate to my natural way of being in this life. It has also cultivated a compassionate approach to others and how anxiety feels when it is outside in the cold causing stagnancy and misunderstandings in all areas of life and relationships. Bringing anxiety into the inner circle of a compassionate relationship has become a way of reconnecting and understanding pain. Pain is not just a physical symptom, it is also emotional.


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She of a thousand stars

I am She of a thousand stars above

and smooth wind upon the brow

I am She who adores you with kisses upon that brow

I am She who rushes like the waves to meet your feet

upon the shores of your dearest tidings

I am within the night of the dream weaver

and in the days of sadness upon your tear soaked cheeks

I am in your thoughts as you tend to your loving cares

I am in your remembrance of friendships that feel joy to you

I am that bridge of the Heart from you to another

I am within and outside of your Heart

I am the connection from your eyes, your thoughts, your touch of hand

and hand on Heart

I go with you into the darkest places you may be sent

I walk by your hand brushing upon mine

Just grasp my soft fingers when you are needing steadying

I will carry you wholly across that threshold

into the door of it surrounded by my Love for you

I am She of a thousand stars

I am here for You


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Dirt, Decay and the Dream

When dirt and decay become a master piece of my hands

when the ending of a cycle is just a resting into the not yet started

like the night is not yet a dawn

and the dream has finished and the waking state is not begun

the in between, the vision and the arising……

when dirt is just dirt and the seeds are not yet sprung

when dirt is the life within my hands

and the dream in one


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The Serendipity of the Soul…

Inner Landscape of the Multi-dimensional Soul…..

The inner landscape is healing with an integration of sorts. It comes in the form of a wound, an old wound that re-opens. Some say it is where the light comes in, it feels more like the reveal of the source of the wound. The serendipity.

This healing and I use the term loosely, is like a flash of realisation. It is a secret exposed with some shock and flatly deposited in the lap so it can not be missed. It is a “postcard” from the soul delivering what we had previously separated from ourselves and now it is the messenger for the integration to occur. Hold it, yes pick it up, look at it with a new perspective. Give it all the medicine you can. It was always a part of you, not apart from you. The integration is the acceptance of not who you are today but how magical you have become.

In turning the wheel of change within, exposing you beyond your boundaries you come back to yourself and hold tightly that which is transformative. As you are your Grandmother spirit in time. This is your spin around the wheel to integrate the realms of all you are. You are a soul on a mission to integrate.

Image My Own


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Corrosive

Furious Boundaries. The ruins here are crumbling, held by steel girders, holding up what was, what has been. Once thought of as picturesque now it’s  unsafe and corrosive. The old decaying structure is sinking into the Earth. The railings are rusted and the scream of spirit of place says break it down. Emotions of anger, violation and division. Separation is no longer acceptable.


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Love

I am the Love that never dies
I am She who calls to you from whispers, sound, vibrations of the Heart.
I come in Dark and Light
In Strength and Fear
Do not fade at what comes before you
Do not bluster or storm
You are always in my Love
I am carrying your torch of Light
To guide a way for you to be open
Be present
Be in Teaching
Of the moment
Nothing evades you
Nothing withheld from you
As all love can be received
All thanks to Love
In openness
Of Divine Love
Be open
Be gracious
Of the Love that never dies


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Open Hearted

I Am SHE of Sound
Like waves upon your shore
I am Here caressing you to awaken
To seek Within
As You Love You Open
As You Open You Love

The Song of Peace
Like gentle waves of Love
To Open your door
To find your own Sound,
Your Song, Your Way

On the Shore of your Emptiness
There in the Oneness
You will find Sanctuary
And it will hold you still

As You surrender
To the waves of your Being
Transcending all that burdens you
Listen
I am always found within
Your Heart


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Venus Beauty

I’m calling this Womb Wednesday, for the All as we All connect to the Universal Womb and the Mother’s Womb, whether we refer to the womb as our physical bowl, our emotional chalice, our dark womb, our shadow, the season of the winter womb or the Moon phase of the Dark Moon. This week Venus has been strong in my awareness, I have been gazing up at the night sky looking for this visible Light, the one the physical eye can identify. But the cloud, fog and rain create a veil. As I continued to look longingly, I thought Looking for Venus is an internal venture. So what does this mean? Goddess Venus represents beauty, so looking for Venus in the dark, in the winter is a profound notion. As we look for beauty in all things, in the everyday, within ourselves, what do we find? In winter this looking for beauty within contains stillness, a pause, reflection. Beauty that Venus can bring at this time is the embodiment of Self Love, Appreciation and a deeper connection to celebrating the Glorious You.


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Water Women

Water blessings give thanks to the feminine energy of water for all women and that prayers and intentions be carried to all women over this planet. We are all connected, far and near, to sisters, mothers, grandmothers and no matter how far apart we may seem by distance, we are all connected by the waters of the rivers, of the seas of the earth. Next time you are near the sea, if you feel called to do so, send a heartfelt loving intention to all women everywhere, connect deeply to your heart centre and see how this also feels for you. With Love and Light xxx