This 50 life is a change in the signposts of my being. At this time we are entering into the dark moon phase and I feel it, I deeply feel it.
At menopause I no longer have the last menses dotted in my diary as a clear indication of my follicular and luteal phases. But the lesson is right here, the paper notes, the digital calendar are not the messengers, my body is, I am embodying the phase.
This last week I felt the waning of the moon cycle. I was aware of the turning inward and had a welcome feeling to step down a level of commitment as I employed a new awareness, my body acknowledging the moon.
I felt the nudge, the communication of my body in relationship with the moon. It was like the strings of a musical instrument being tuned in to the flow of energy in direct response.
I am aware that this weekend the earth holds the women in turning inward. A time to rest, to give thanks for what has occurred in this moon cycle. An invitation to enter into a ritual of gratitude for was is, what was and let go of what is no longer needed. A time to reflect on the fullness that occured, the joy we received.
At the end of the dark nights 🌙 we begin to consider what newness to dream into being for the new cycle ahead. We have the ability to create again.
This is also the way of the elder, the wise woman, the women under the moon of menopause. We are welcomed to take the moon phases as our compass. With our feet meeting the earth, her body, our body, and our crown reaching to the moon. We are embodying the rhythms of our true nature for the generations ahead.
In my 50th year, my blog posts needed a title change, so I am now “my 50 life”…nope doesn’t have the same ring to it as “my 49 life!” So I need a rethink, or, I need a Pause!
The great Pause as it is now named, the great Pause, the Meno-Pause. I have been sitting with this word for the last week and it has this beautiful meaning to me of sinking my roots deep down into the earth beneath me. I think I may just be onto something here. This is the time to do less and practice, no, not even practice, I correct myself here, do nothing.
When have I ever done nothing? I think back to all the times in my life when I have done something, always done something. I have tried harder, worker longer, put in more, pushed, changed direction, persisted. But when I look back to those challenging times in my 50 years I can now see that at some point doing nothing would have been possible if not the most practical. This menopause to me has always been about life on review, it is the biggest reset point in my existence. And now I can see it most clearly that some of my embodied, arising signals are flashing the pause button.
Imagine you are sat, in a very big comfortable way, (use your own imaginal viewing to dress-this-up now!!!) watching some episodes of your life and in front of the screen is a big button, a pause button. How many times could that button have been pressed for a Pause? But get this, the Pause button isn’t just to pause then play, no, it is to Pause, step away. This I feel is the thread and pull to energetic fatigue I feel, what would happen if I pressed Pause and did sweet nothing? No finishing that book while I sit, no picking up the phone, no lists, no nothing, not even writing or thinking! It is an art to Pause, so join me, create Pause, “what are you doing today?” “Having a Pause”.
What if this is that one thing that is restorative?! That is the answer to the fatigue and exhaustion?! What if the body is wiser than the brain and is shouting just sit, pause and ground yourself right here and now. Put your energetic roots down and watch the grass grow. Big transitions need but spaces of nothingness, be an empty vessel, a hollow bone, allow the world to shine through you, not work from you. Just sit a while longer…..the sweetness of nothing needed, nothing required, nothing to be done.
The Ongo Book p. 29 by Catherine Cadden and Jesse Wiens
49 is not what I expected. I started my working life as a medical professional then turned holistic and spiritual practitioner and so far this week my practice has been my saving grace. I have navigated my own selfcare treatments from Reiki to calm my nervous system to Reflexology to regulate the endocrine. It is a rollercoaster of a role to witness our elder’s needs from lightbulb changes, medication dosette boxes, emergency calls and missing wheelchairs.
I have called upon my spiritual allies to help in many varying degrees from negotiating contracts and holding space for my Mother as she feels she is losing her friends to dementia. Then there’s my Fathers loss of mobility and fragility. My faith in the wise and well ancestors have been my allies in the subtle realms only too willing to be called upon.
I lean to the ancestors, after all I am them, my bones and facial features are theirs, from them I am born. The role of the carer is a difficult one to navigate. It arrives at a time when I myself am changing. I go through a multitude of transitions being a 49 year old woman, self employed spiritual business practitioner, a wife, a friend, a listener and a menopausal shifter.
Whilst navigating the elder’s care needs in an ever-shifting NHS and social care system I am trying to figure out the menopausal fatigue and wonder if my symptoms are from too much or too little evening primrose right now. I am pulled to “clean house” of the unfinished business I have stacked up. The courses, submissions, assessments and the continuing professional development that is a feature of all our professional pursuits these days. I am always reading 4 books and far too tired to complete any. Then there is the cleaning out of the emotional and energetic baggage of old worn out perspective and my inner archetypes all shouting for some deep witnessing.
This thing they call menopause is a maturing of the old ways, the inner pathways, a realisation of what has worked well and what has not. Call it menopause, call it a life review if you dare! It is the wise one willing me to tune inwards and not be so outwards when the world is wanting me to be all things. This crone inside is trying to be birthed into a new way of navigating the here and now. So while we nurture those around us, the message deep within is “Who is nurturing you?” Birthing is painful and changeful. It can’t be pushed down or ignored. So no wonder I am feeling the fatigue of this gestation from menstruation.
It is the big gardening of mature life. Call it weeding for now, it is asking what am I keeping up and what do I need to let go? What is right for me and what is right now for me? 49 is full of loose ends, never-ends and the inevitable end. Right now the weeding is all important as I take this time to nurture the garden within. As the elders take an afternoon nap, the cat does too and the 49 year olds are discerning, weeding and regulating their nervous system with left-right eye movements in the mid-day sun. One day I will be through the change, transformed and the ancestor of my family tree.
The red tent to women like me in the middle of life, becomes a life tent. It is the anchor that sits you down and holds you in.  It is a place remembered for birth and death, but it is also for the mid shifters,  for transformation. It is the place to go to in pain, in need, knee deep with the earth and discerning cries, “help me transform, shift through it all”. If you have never been inside a red tent, create one, create if just for yourself! It is the resting place and the place to let it all flow.
Here in the middle we are asked to change, do work differently, parenting and elder care differently. Our loved ones change, societies views and expectations change, my hair colour has changed….and everyday the needs of those and ourselves change.  My own requirements move and new boundaries need to be created, what once was ok is now far from acceptable. They call this growth in the spiritual community, with grow there can also be pain. So the message for now is take it slowly, even when there are urgent moments, walk the earth with every step at a slower pace because everything is changing.
Medicinalmeadows 